snow blonde
by thepinkhatter
Summary: a knd parody of snow white, only numbah 4's the princess, father is the queen and the dwarfs aren't that short..
1. Chapter 1

Authors note: this is a parody based on snow white

Disclaimer: nope I don't own the characters except one.

Snow blonde numbah 4

Evil queen father

Magic toilet toilenator

Butcher delightful children from down the lane

Flirty numbah 3

Nosy numbah spy (yup he's mine)

Bitchy numbah 86

Bossy lizzie

Obsessed numbah 1

Sporty numbah 5

The prince wouldn't you like to know

Ahem

Once upon a time…

… in a land far away , you know like real far farther than.. Texas !

there lived a beautiful princess her skin was as white as snow and her hair was …blonde, so she was named snow blonde she lived in a beautiful castle, yea its beautiful too, but she didn't live alone she lived with a NOT so beautiful evil queen , every day the queen would go to her magic toilet and she'd say:

_magic toilet under my knee _

_who's the fairest from here to the sea_

and gurgling noise would reply " you are master …. Oh yea, and your running out of toilet paper"

each day she would go through the same routine while puffing her flaming pipe and reading the newspaper

until one day when snow blonde had turned sixteen the toilets answer changed this time it rudely pushed the queen off his seat and said: "not you , snow blonde is now the prettiest, oh snow blonde, I wish she'd date me ,then I can be known as a true evil villain hahaha" he pushed the flusher handle thing and disappear swirling into his lair.

The queen was outraged! How could snow blonde be the prettiest? Did she have an evil dark billowing cloak? No she did not! Did she wear evil high-heels? No! did she wear pink panties ? o0 well maybe…

After finishing her rant the queen had an evil idea she would get rid of the princess! she couldn't hire a real assassin, they cost money, dirty scoundrels they're worse than lawyers! So she decided to hire a… butcher

The local butcher was a strange creature indeed ,he was strange in the fact that there was 5 of him ,they speak and move around in sync so I can only assume they're one person some sort of horrible Siamese un-twin 2/5 -ths of which was female

" I would like you to kill that snow-blonde ,she's getting in the way of my beauty"

" ummmmmm yessss" they replied in monotone

"and bring me locket of her hair as proof" ordered the queen

"don't you want her heart as proof?" the confused 5 headed butcher asked

"what! Eeeew! No! that's disgusting! plus I've always wanted a locket of snow blonde's hair. She's so pretty 3" replied the evil queen

"………………." Said the first head

"…………………."said the second head

"……………………0-0"said the third head

"I think she's pretty too!" said the fourth head

"0v0;………….." said the fifth head

"what do we do now?" asked the evil queen

"umm throw our heads back and laugh?" replied the butcher

so they threw her heads back and laughed "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

there end of first chapter!


	2. Chapter 2

Authors note: this is a parody based on snow white

Disclaimer: nope I don't own the characters except one.

Snow blonde numbah 4

Evil queen father

Magic toilet toilenator

Butcher delightful children from down the lane

Flirty numbah 3

Nosy numbah spy (yup he's mine)

Bitchy numbah 86

Bossy lizzie

Obsessed numbah 1

Sporty numbah 5

The prince wouldn't you like to know

On a cold day in spring Snow blonde was in the flower patch happily stomping on daisies

"na na neh stomping on the cruddy flowers na na neh stomping on the cruddy flowers" he sang while he stomped on the daisies (snow blonde just loved stomping on daisies)

"my the rumors are true, you are beautiful" an eerie monotonous voice cut through the chill

"whot! Who's there? Is that you cruddy magic toilet? I told ya I aint datin ya!" snow blonde called out

"as eager for a date we are, no, we are not a magic toilet" replied the voice

"then who the heck are ya!" shouted a short tempered snow blonde

"I my fair princess am the butcher sent by our evil flaming queen to kill you and bring a locket of your hair as proof( did you notice that all evil villains always spill their plans on purpose)"

"whot! Shouldn't it be bring meh heart as proof?" asked snow blonde

"yesss" replied the butcher

"…………….." gaped snow blonde

"………whoosh………" breathed the butcher

"YOUR STUPID YOU KNOW THAT!" screamed snow blonde in frustration

"no were not" said the butcher in a pained voice "its this stupid author she keeps making

us do weird things! were not gay! …………………………at least larry isn't!"

"……………… - ;;…………………."

"………………-…………………."

"oh forget it! I aint gonna listen to yer stupid excu… ex.. um VOICE! And I aint givin yah a cruddy lock of meh cruddy hair!" screamed snow blond

"don't sell your self short your hair is _beautiful_"

"0-0;; that's it im leaving!"

"wait! First give us a lock of your hair then run away into the forest!"

"whot! NO!"

"well give you a piece of butterscotch"

"okay!"

so snow blonde took some scissors cut of a lock of hair gave it to the butcher then ran into the forest and kept running for two hours straight

meanwhile the butcher was making its way back to the castle when it heard a deafening scream coming from the forest "OI CANT BELIEVE THAT CRUDDY BASTARD DIDN'T GIVE MEH MY BUTTERSCOTCH!"

end of second chapter!( sorry I know its really short )


	3. Chapter 3

Authors note: this is a parody based on snow white

Disclaimer: nope I don't own the characters except one.

Snow blonde numbah 4

Evil queen father

Magic toilet toilenator

Butcher delightful children from down the lane

Flirty numbah 3

Nosy numbah spy (yup he's mine)

Bitchy numbah 86

Bossy lizzie

Obsessed numbah 1

Sporty numbah 5

The prince wouldn't you like to know

Snow blonde stood fuming in the forest he couldn't believe that dirty butcher didn't give him some butterscotch, growing bored of just fuming, he fumed while walking, suddenly a weird song came from the darkness of the forest:

_Rainbow monkeys rainbow monkeys oh so very round and super chunky …_

the princess gasped. What was that noise it was creepy she didn't want to find out so she ran like any other princess stuck in a forest hearing weird noises would. And swore as trees and brambles caught her hair and ripped pieces of her dress.

_Bringing love where ever they go…._

The princess fell into a clearing panting and trying not to cry like any princess would in these circumstances.

_Every ones made of a big rainbow..! giggle giggle_

The princess looked a round suddenly there was silence in the forest which sent an eerie shiver down his back

"hey come on out!" the princess screamed "whoever you are!"

and the stranger ooked back at her.

And the princess grunted back at the stranger "how'd you like that eh?"

And lots of rainbow monkeys jumped out of the bushes at her! And started to try and pick the lice out of her hair!!!

"hey stop that eheheh that tickles!"

so the rainbow monkeys raised the princess and taught her their secrets and then was borne the legend of rainbow tarzan aaoaaoeeeaaooie!!!

"hey wait a one cruddy minute! Oim not supposed to be living here!" said the princess "I liked learning your secrets an' all but that's not how the story goes" so the rainbow monkeys pointed out a cottage where she'll be welcome. and they both went there seprate ways .

------------------------------------------------------------------------

end of third chapter (short again this would've been longer if me and my sister weren't distracted by the different pronunciations of rainbow .. raimbow rainbow raimbow rainbow


	4. Chapter 4

Snow blonde numbah 4

Evil queen father

Magic toilet toilenator

Butcher delightful children from down the lane

Dwarves:

Flirty numbah 3

Nosy numbah spy (yup he's mine)

Bitchy numbah 86

Bossy lizzie

Obsessed numbah 1

Sporty numbah 5

The prince wouldn't you like to know

The princess stood in front the dwarves home, dwarves home?! This place was huge! Thought the princess the people who lived must be huge at least taller than him and since the princess considered herself really tall they must've been giants! So he went inside to find giant chair giant portrait giant axes and in a giant bedroom six giant beds in a row carved on them were names more like personalities starting from obsessed and ending with sporty he wondered about these dwarf impersonating giants what kind of mining they do and what songs they'd sing while doing so when to his ears came a chanting melody:

_Fee fi fo fum_

_It's back from work we come_

And the door opened "well, sporty thinks obsessed was to obsessed with the gouda and didn't concentrate enough on the mozzarella" the tall dwarves came in.

And a black haired Japanese dwarf spoke up saying "why do we even work in a cheese mine it's hard to attract boys when you smell like cheese!"

Sporty nodded agreeing "sporty hears that!"

And the bald one called obsessed shook his head "we have to protect the cheese from the adults flirty!"

"We are adults!"

obsessed gasped "GASP!!!"

a red haired one spoke up screaming in a high pitched screech that could break glass "**WHAT ARE YOU SAYING! WE'RE NOT ADULTS WE'RE TEENAGERS!! STOP MAKING ME LOOK OLD. SPORTY!"**

gasp(squared)!!!! "that's even worse!" said obsessed.

The princess stared open mouthed at the spectacle before her until she got flung back to reality when she felt someone kissing her hand.

"to what do I owe the pleasure to a princess in our humble abode?" said a dwarf clad in a black trench coat hat and sunglasses who wears sunglasses indoors? Except obsessed of course but he doesn't count on account of being insane.

The first thing the princess did was punch him in the face "keep your mitts off! Ya scunner!(1)"

And all the other dwarves who weren't paying attention noticed him for the first time.

Obsessed screamed his head off "spy!! Spy!!"

"yes?" replied the Casanova with a black eye.

Obsessed pointed at him and screamed even more "I thought you were called nosy!!!"

"why do you think I'm called nosy"

and while obsessed was screaming traitor! Traitor! Sporty pushed him aside and approached the princess.

"what's this another princess? If sporty had a quarter for every princess runnin' through the forest she'd live in a condo! Lemme guess your evil aunt or somethin' is jealous of yo' beauty and wants to kill you?"

"she is?" asked the princess "wotever I aint scared of her ..um or him"

"then why're you here?"

"someone said they'd give me butterscotch and they didn't cruddy liars"

"okaayyy"

obsessed pushed sporty aside "do you work for the CIA, FBI, MIB (men in black), or any other secretive organization? Like the Barbie company!?

"do I look like ai work for the Barbie company?!"

"well.." obsessed paused "you are wearing a dress"

"that's it!" yelled the princess grabbing the dwarf by his shirt and shaking him.

"Nigel obsessed uno! What do you think your doing?" spat a rotund dwarf

"uuuh im not doing anything bossy sweetheart… eheheheh" protested obsessed

"I come back from the cheese mines to find you in some hussy's hands!!" she screamed

"oi! oi!oi! I aint no hussy!" snow blonde shouted, dropping obsessed to the floor "and I don't like bald people!"

"I'm not bald!" protested obsessed

"oh then whot are yeh?"

"I'm thinning" replied obsessed

"you don't have a single hair on your chrome dome YOUR BALD GENIUS!!"

"but he's my genius" crooned bossy wrapping her hands around obsessed neck hugging him

"so are you going to stay with us?" giggled flirty wrapping her arms around snow blondes waist alluringly

"eh! I dunno" blushed snow blonde

"of course her highness is staying with us, we can't just throw her out into the woods now can we" smirked nosy

"whot! Really!?" exclaimed snow blonde happily

"yup" grinned nosy, behind him sporty nodded, and bitchy gave an angry nod

"isn't that great" exclaimed flirty

"eheh I guess it is" giggled snow blonde

"aaah snow blonde is dead.. finally!" sighed the evil queen taking a seat on the toilet

"ahem" coughed a voice underneath him

"whaaat?! What is it magic toilet? Can't I relieve my self without you bugging me!!?"

"well aren't you gonna ask me that question!?" giggled the toilet

"what?! Why now?"

"well I just wanted to see the look on your face, sadly I'll have to settle with the look on your posterior" the toilet gurgled somewhat sadly

"what are you talking about?!"

"… humph"

"very well…_ magic toilet that stares at my rump… who is the fairest from here to yonder stump?_"

"can't you be more specific?" gurgled the toilet somewhat annoyed

"what do you want from me I'm constipated!?"

"fine" huffed the toilet " snow blonde is still the fairest"

"whaaaaaaaat?!" screamed the evil queen

authors note: I know I put a lot of horrible images in your mind with that last part! I'm sorry to all who have nightmares about fathers flaming butt

please review

(1) nac mac feegle reference numbah 4 reminds me of one , nac mac feegle (C) terry pratchett


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